It gets hard to be around kids Zoe-Mai's age and younger that are normal and functioning. I've moved on past the point where I want to pull my hair out and scream every time I see a 2 and 3 year old speaking sentences or doing simple things for themselves like point and ask for what they want or play games. It is still such torture though and I haven't moved past wanting to cry.
It is so hard to be around our youngest niece, Zoe-Mai's youngest cousin. She is 2 years old and extremely smart. She smiles and gives hugs. She talks in full sentences and plays normally with toys. She has no problems interacting with other kids and when she looks at you it doesn't feel like she's looking through you. I can't help but think, "That's how MY child should be. She should be able to do all these things."
I have to steal hugs from Zoe-Mai, her affection is usually idle and if given- a rare blessing. I sometimes feel as if she's sitting outside of this world and just looking in. She pays very little attention to children her age and her stimming often gets odd and puzzling looks. Her screaming and tantrums replace the words she could use to tell me what she wants.
It's hard to think about the future and wonder what Zoe-Mai's will hold. It is difficult enough thinking about tomorrow and wondering if she's going to have a good day, wonder if she'll eat better or cry all the way through brushing her hair. Wonder if she'll play okay or be more aggressive? It is a constant battle inside myself thinking about school and if she should go to Pre-K next year- is she ready? Am I ready? Will she be okay? Will I be okay? What if no one understands her?
It's easy to love her.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Our new home!
I have moved from my old blog site to here now. The old site was just too hard to keep up with and difficult to navigate. I will try to figure a way to move the posts from there to here.
To fill everyone in on what the last month has been like I guess I should start with how much Samuel has grown. He smiles and coo's. I know it's not gas, he's actually smiling at me. He's so happy and loves being held. He is so very smart and strong. I've yet to see just what color his eyes will be. I suspect brown, but at this age you can never be sure.
I worry. I worry that his smiles will be gone in a matter of months. I fear that I'll wake up in just a few months and he no longer smiles at me, no longer babbles, and avoids me. It's irrational, I know, but with one kid being classic there is a higher chance that Samuel could fall on the spectrum.
Mackenzie has been doing better in school. Being put in a new classroom really worked wonders for her. We love her teacher who is patient, kind, and willing to give her a chance to grow. She is extremely smart, and although hates group activities and doesn't play too well with other children, she is smart as a whip. I love listening to her recite her school work. Her bring home work is just beautiful. I haven't seen a kid with her artistic ability since my own brother who was just like her- careful, precise, always in the lines. She has a gift.
And Zoe-Mai, oh, Zoe-Mai. These past couple of months have been hard. I can't dwell on it too much or I start to cry. Her screaming and tantrums have gotten worse. She's becoming more violent and disconnected. I can feel her pulling away from me and It's getting harder and harder to comfort her. She is becoming more aggressive towards Kenzie and I feel horrible for the both of them. Zoe-Mai is slapping, shoving, and pulling hair. Jeremy and I tell her to stop... most of the time she just gives us this mechanical laugh and goes right back to doing it. The word "no" really holds no meaning to her.
We usually swat her behind when she starts throwing a fit or being aggressive, it will get her attention for a second, but it doesn't quiet the behavior. After a few weeks of just watching her I've realized we have to stop spanking her. It hasn't been working with her and she's associating her behavior and then punishment(spanking) to Samuel. Over the past week I've noticed that if she is in the room and he starts crying, she'll raise her hand to swat him. The first time I didn't catch her in enough time but thankfully she didn't spank him hard. Now when I catch her I tell her, "No, don't be mean to baby." This usually means that she begins her typical screaming that she does every time she hears a baby/toddler cry.
She still has a difficult time allowing me to walk away. Zoe-Mai won't walk out the door with Jeremy unless I'm following close behind. She is also having issues with leaving Jeremy behind if we drop him off somewhere away from the house. Last week we drove Jeremy out to his friends house to drive his truck home. I listened to her scream and cry for the 45 minute journey home.
She has her good days. They are few and far between, but when they're good...they're good. I think the most I can wish for is that she continues to grow and develop. We can only look forward to the good days and move on from the bad.
To fill everyone in on what the last month has been like I guess I should start with how much Samuel has grown. He smiles and coo's. I know it's not gas, he's actually smiling at me. He's so happy and loves being held. He is so very smart and strong. I've yet to see just what color his eyes will be. I suspect brown, but at this age you can never be sure.
I worry. I worry that his smiles will be gone in a matter of months. I fear that I'll wake up in just a few months and he no longer smiles at me, no longer babbles, and avoids me. It's irrational, I know, but with one kid being classic there is a higher chance that Samuel could fall on the spectrum.
Mackenzie has been doing better in school. Being put in a new classroom really worked wonders for her. We love her teacher who is patient, kind, and willing to give her a chance to grow. She is extremely smart, and although hates group activities and doesn't play too well with other children, she is smart as a whip. I love listening to her recite her school work. Her bring home work is just beautiful. I haven't seen a kid with her artistic ability since my own brother who was just like her- careful, precise, always in the lines. She has a gift.
And Zoe-Mai, oh, Zoe-Mai. These past couple of months have been hard. I can't dwell on it too much or I start to cry. Her screaming and tantrums have gotten worse. She's becoming more violent and disconnected. I can feel her pulling away from me and It's getting harder and harder to comfort her. She is becoming more aggressive towards Kenzie and I feel horrible for the both of them. Zoe-Mai is slapping, shoving, and pulling hair. Jeremy and I tell her to stop... most of the time she just gives us this mechanical laugh and goes right back to doing it. The word "no" really holds no meaning to her.
We usually swat her behind when she starts throwing a fit or being aggressive, it will get her attention for a second, but it doesn't quiet the behavior. After a few weeks of just watching her I've realized we have to stop spanking her. It hasn't been working with her and she's associating her behavior and then punishment(spanking) to Samuel. Over the past week I've noticed that if she is in the room and he starts crying, she'll raise her hand to swat him. The first time I didn't catch her in enough time but thankfully she didn't spank him hard. Now when I catch her I tell her, "No, don't be mean to baby." This usually means that she begins her typical screaming that she does every time she hears a baby/toddler cry.
She still has a difficult time allowing me to walk away. Zoe-Mai won't walk out the door with Jeremy unless I'm following close behind. She is also having issues with leaving Jeremy behind if we drop him off somewhere away from the house. Last week we drove Jeremy out to his friends house to drive his truck home. I listened to her scream and cry for the 45 minute journey home.
She has her good days. They are few and far between, but when they're good...they're good. I think the most I can wish for is that she continues to grow and develop. We can only look forward to the good days and move on from the bad.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)